I mean - what even is Acceptance?!

I Googled the word acceptance and this is the definition: Acceptance is the act of willingly receiving, approving, or agreeing to something. It broadly spans receiving an offer, assenting to a situation, or coming to terms with reality. The meaning shifts depending on context.

That word has been quite triggering for me recently... It's a word that I've had used in recent medical consultations. It's a word I use therapeutically with clients. And yet I find myself asking - what even is acceptance?!

Breaking down it's definition - the act of willingly receiving, approving or agreeing to something. But in these cases I don't want to receive that which is being given. I don't agree with it nor approve of it. Yet I must try to "accept" it...

Then I find myself in that loop - "I don't want to accept" > RESISTANCE > Persistence > Low mood > Acceptance > "But I don't want to accept it" > Persistence > Anxiety > Acceptance > "Why should I have to accept this?!" > RESISTANCE > PERSISTANCE > ACCEPTANCE!!! So the loop continues...

"...coming to terms with reality". What if that reality sucks. What if I just want to sit with the grief of what has been lost? That is acceptance too, isn't it. This acceptance feels like a big crashing wave right now. Like in Interstellar; in the line of visibility is that wave, as tall as the sky, about to come crashing down. Disempowered by the inevitability. All that can be done is move out the way, into safety before it descends and washes away anything in it's path. That's what acceptance feels like right now.

Yes, coming to terms with reality, but hating what that reality is. Having to learn to live with the new reality. Accepting that I have to live with change, irrespective of how distressing change in itself is.

Persistence - refers to the quality or fact of continuing in an opinion or course of action despite difficulty, opposition, or failure.

I choose to be persistent in my pursuit of acceptance. Even seeing the word causes my heart to beat that little bit faster and my breath catch in my throat. Armpits feeling that little bit more moist, and nausea has kicked in. But in my quest to accept acceptance (LOL!) exposure to that which causes this discomfort is key. Acceptance can't harm me, irrespective of my FFF response to it. The more I expose myself to the word and what it means to me, the easier it shall become. I aim for clarity and self-compassion and I'm on that journey now!